Conquerer

To: The People of Earth
Subject: Invasion

Dear people of Earth,

I am writing to inform you of the impending invasion of your planet. The Commander of my army, Sdlgpoprtlsbe, whose name is unpronounceable without a second tongue, has recently informed me that your current method of communication is through this primitive e-mail, so I have taken it upon myself to grant you this warning. I will grant you one opportunity to surrender to me, Flargnhstanpglen, before I send in my army. As a favor to you, the people of Earth, you may call me Love, as Sdlqpoprtslbe has informed me that it conquers all. I, along with many others in my staff have been studying your ways and the strangeness of your social networking. With that being said, we have sunk to your level and are “Tweeting” as well. I sent my Chief Scientist, Rwqinpolnmin two months into the future to see how the fight went. While he was there, he returned with a number of status updates that he retrieved while he was there. A sampling will follow. While this future is not a definite outcome, should you not surrender in two weeks time, on November 18, 2011, Rwqinpolnmin has informed me that he estimates approximately seventy percent of the worlds human population will be wiped out. The terms of the surrender are as follows:

On the above date, an appointed representative will be at 40°47′59″N 113°48′00″W and create a bonfire that is one hundred feet tall. Once that is complete, we will land and accept your surrender. If not, we will invade the following day.

I will end this e-mail message with what I am told is a common Earth farewell.

Thank you for your time,
Flargnhstanpglen (Love).

Sample ‘Tweets’

Sdlgpoprtlsbe: Ha! Just blasted an Earthman! They turn blue when irradiated.

Rwqinpolnmin: The Earthwomen are fascinated by my second tongue.

Dfrerspoprtyun: Hi mom! These ‘cows’ are tasty, I will send some home to you.